Blue Scar

nasaan?

2007-03-30T18:48:00.000+08:00

Saan kita hahanapin sa kanina’y malawak lamang na espasyo? Lalo pa ngayon na paunti-unti, nadaragdagan na ang mga salita, na kagaya mo, hindi ko basta-basta mahagilap kanina. Maliban na lamang kung sa gitna ng sala-salabat kong mga iniisip, magawa kong tumigil at isingit ang paliwanag sa hindi mo pagsulpot.

Hayan, umabot na ang grupo ng salita sa ikalawang talata. Marahil, ngayon pa lang nagsisimulang gumana ang aking pang-unawa. Kanina kasi, para akong nahilam sa napipinto mong hindi pagpapakita. Huwag mo lang sanang hayaan na tuluyan akong pumikit dahil sa pagpapasyang hindi ka na makita. Lalo ngayon, na marami pa akong tinatanaw at ibig matanaw kasama ka.

Madali lang sagutin ang tanong na nasaan. Ang mas mahirap sagutin, sa totoo lang, kung hanggang kailan ang aking pagtatanong. Sa ngayon, makukuntento muna ako sa mga salitang nabuo habang hinahanap kita.

Until

2007-02-07T19:25:00.000+08:00

I just found myself confronting a deadend. Should I continue facing a white wall or turn around to go back to where I started?

I have travelled a long way just to start all over again. If circles really mean completion, how many times do I have to start and end something just to arrive at another beginning? When do we really make a fool of ourselves? Is it by trying to be hopeful in the midst of disaster? Or by being destructive while on the verge of building an empire?

In my thirty years of existence, I have never been this open to varied possibilities. I used to view my world as only a choice between black or white and good or bad. No grey areas. No middle ground. Maybe as one gets older, he or she learns to compromise. Business schools taught us to negotiate. Desperation made us adjust our certain standards.

Now I ask myself: Should I feel bad that my happiness translates to settling for something less? What if love contests that I have just learned to embrace imperfections? What if I am not really blind, but actually seeing real things and yes, not minding them at all. I dare anyone to laugh at me. The first one to throw a stone is welcomed.

Should you find yourself loss at this madness (if you want to call it that way), this is what I want to say to you: Hope and only hope is the only thread I am hanging by. If I have to give up, I am the only person to know. And I will know, in time.

the problem with hello

2006-09-22T12:29:00.000+08:00

this has been a perennial problem to me: getting text messages with a question that i have to answer with, yeah i am ok, when most of the time i am not. i am not really good at lying. saying ok always translate to either sarcasm or just being safe. now i don't really know how to answer that simple question especially if the one asking is as precious as my lover. i'd rather ask him back. or i'd rather update him with some shocking news like, hey, do you know that pluto is no longer a major planet?

going home

2006-01-15T16:24:00.000+08:00

i decided to be silent for quite a long time. it's my way of sorting things out. should i say, big things that didn't give me sleep until i knew what i had to do with them.

now, after being in a hiatus for three or four months, i am back to blogging.

so what's new with scarlet? let's just say she just found her long-lost self. thanks to her alter-ego who appeared before her and made her realize the true meaning of life. now, she doesn't have to echo other people's belief and wishes. she doesn't have to please every body to make herself happy. she doesn't have to do things out of propriety alone. and yes, she doesn't have to lie to herself.

after visiting so many places in the name of pursuing happiness, scarlet is now at home.

2005-09-28T23:11:00.000+08:00

the keeper of sorrow

Well, I Have Lost You

2005-09-28T22:37:00.000+08:00

Well, I have lost you; and I lost you fairly;
In my own way, and with my full consent.
Say what you will, kings in a tumbrel rarely
Went to their deaths more proud than this one went.
Some nights of apprehension and hot weeping
I will confess; but that's permitted me;
Day dried my eyes; I was not one for keeping
Rubbed in a cage a wing that would be free.
If I had loved you less or played you slyly
I might have held you for a summer more,
But at the cost of words I value highly,
And no such summer as the one before.
Should I outlive this anguish—and men do—
I shall have only good to say of you.

-Edna St. Vincent Millay

2005-09-27T19:26:00.000+08:00

if only i could go with this smoke

Song of Despair

2005-09-27T18:24:00.000+08:00

"What About Love?"
(Lemar)

What if I took my time to love you?
What if I put no one above you?
What if I did the things
That really mattered?
What if I ran through hopes of disaster?
No one would care if
We never made it
We're in this alone
So why don't we face it
There is no room to
Blame one another
We just need time to
Forgive each other

[Chorus:]
What about love?
What about feeling?
What about all the things that make life worth living?
What about faith?
What about trust?
And tell me baby...what about us?

How can I give this
Love a new beginning?
How can I stop the rain?
It's never ending
How do I keep my soul believing?
Memories of how we
Should be keep calling

[Chorus]
I'll take the rivers rise
I'll take the happy times
I'll take the moments of disaster

[Chorus]

stream of consciousness

2005-09-24T10:50:00.000+08:00

setting: office (sa pagitan ng nagdadalawang-isip na kanta at pagpapasya)

oras: habang nagsasara ng mga pahina ng newsplus. sumama kaya ang puso? (walang aangal at walang magsasabi ng korni. kayo lang ang nakikibasa.)

breathe in, breathe out...

tawa nang tawa silang mga kayosihan ko kanina. kasi naman bigla akong nagsisigaw ng shet, shet! nakita ko kasi 'yung dalawang maya sa kalye, nauulanan tapos nagtatampisaw pa sa puddle (ampotah, walang nakakaalam dito ng translation nito). kala naman kasi nila ate ging may kung anong hayop o taong nasagasaan kaya ako sumigaw. eh hello? kelan ba naging rule 'yun? nakakaawa naman kasi 'yung dalawang maya. pag namatay sila dahil sa sipon, may iiyak bang tao para sa kanila? yes, naniniwala ako sa kanta ni tatang levi. pag namatay ako, may iiyak kahit isang ibon. keber na kung mahina o malakas.

count from one to ten pls...

naalala ko dati nang hell bent akong magpapayat. dalawang oras akong nagyoyoga araw-araw. tapos hindi ako nagkakanin at nagtitinapay. oatmeal at crackers lang. pumayat nga ako, pero nawalan naman ng boobs at pwet. tapos naiwan pa rin ang memory ng gusto kong makalimutan. kaya sabi ko nga kay ate ging, kahit na tatlong order pa ng kanin ang almusalin nya kanina, ok lang sa akin. hindi niya kailangang magpapayat para lang makalimutan ang taong nagkataong mahal din niya. isipin mo na lang ate ging, ham 'yan, err... mahal naman kita. 'wag ka lang magdemand ng manly embrace lalo na't malapit ang christmas season. i can't give something i do not have. devas?

gutom na ako, lyn asan ka na?

kung si ate ging nga, hindi ko pa binubuksan ang bibig ko, alam na nya kung anong punctuation mark ang babagay sa dulo ng sasabihin ko. minsan, sabay naming inuusal ang iisang salita o parirala. hello teacher beth? wala ka sa podium! naiintindihan ko rin ang bawat pagsikip at pagluwag ng kanyang paghinga. minsan nga sinasabi ko sa kanya, sana lalaki na lang siya. eh di sana, may soulmate na ako. hehe.

yes, hindi ko pa nami-meet ang lalaking soulmate ko. malamang natrapik. pwede rin namang gaya ko, nakahanap siya ng maling kasama. teka lang, ilang beses na nga ba ako nakatagpo ng maling kasama (o akala ko kasama?) OMG!!! mic, tatlong beses na pala? ate ging, nakakapagod ang trial and error!

i try to say goodbye and i choke...try to walk away and i stumble... (ampotah naman macy gray, wrong timing ka!!!) yes, bestfriend ko na ang exclamation point ngayon. walang kokontra!!!

pero sabi nga ni leanne rhimes, life goes on...

sabi naman sa pabunot sa tindahan, better luck next time...

sabi sa signboard sa banko kapag weekend, sorry we're close...

si mec (hindi bisayang mic ha!) naman may hirit din, at the end of the tunnel, there is a man...

sabi sa mga beauty pageants pagkatapos ma-announce ang final 10, thank you girls...

sabi ng bestfriend ko, you have a brighter future ahead of you...

sabi ni mic, we can only do so much. i-record na lang natin 'to para bukas patutugtugin na lang natin ulit...

sabi ni ate ging, hindi SIYA 'yun...

sabi ni juan ponce enrile, enough is enough ...

at finally ang sabi ko...

I AM OUTTA HERE!!!

2005-09-19T20:07:00.000+08:00

one cig before i go?

Prelude to a farewell

2005-09-19T19:29:00.000+08:00

(I knew it — you came to me to spell out beauty that was too much to bear…)

Funny, we were the last persons to admit to this thing called ‘magic’, when all eyes surrounding us were wide open and eager to talk about it.

For a time, I couldn’t believe that we hurled ourselves into something like (but not quite) a relationship that would alter both our self-sustaining lives.

Now, no one is as convinced as we are that we share something that is expansive — boundless to define.

But, I am a grounded woman. You’ve known me since the first time you saw me crying over an unpaid house bill. You’ve known me as someone who pursues dreams which are attainable — even if it is as simple as the comfort of going home alone by taking a cab.

That’s why we need not argue (again) about prolonging this pseudo-relationship. We both know that thing like ours deserve only a lone destination — end. And we better go there soon, before we even realize this one big fallacy about beauty — that it is a joy forever.

What makes something beautiful is sometimes in its fleetingness or to be more euphemist about it, being short-lived. As cliché as a song goes, we remember the facets of loveliness because they are so precious and few.

And you are precious, right? With pun intended, hehe.

Nevertheless, I am letting you go. Why? Because we are both beautiful. We are not meant to last.

2005-08-27T02:36:00.000+08:00

resistance

Song of Obstacles

2005-08-26T20:09:00.000+08:00

When my lover touches me, what I feel in my body
is like the first movement of a glacier over the earth,
as the ice shifts, dislodging great boulders, hills
of solemn rock: so, in the forests, the uprooted trees
become a sea of disconnected limbs -
And, where there are cities, these dissolve too,
the sighing gardens, all the young girls
eating chocolates in the courtyard, slowly
scattering the colored foil: then, where the city was,
the ore, the unearthed mysteries: so I see
that ice is more powerful than rock, than mere resistance -

Then for us, in its path, time doesn't pass,
not even an hour.

-Louise Gluck

2005-08-11T20:50:00.000+08:00

such kind of relief

between crevices

2005-08-11T18:28:00.000+08:00

my family never fails to amaze me. they know exactly when to push me to the limits -- like when i am just a step away from the verge. they always know what dosage of words to give me -- enough for me to resort to silence. god, they know me so well.

nevertheless, i am thankful that you made me find this (mis)fortune funny. we laugh about it every time we are on fx tamaraw -- on our way home. i never knew that tragedy like mine could be a source of endless banters until you showed me how. and for that alone, i can always look forward to going home.

you once told me that every thing happens for a purpose. with that thought, i came to wonder what really you are to me.

since you are always the first to worry about my lunch (or the lack of it), maybe you are the next best thing to a nutritionist whom i can never have.

you never get tired of making me laugh even in times you are too sleepy to think of a decent joke. maybe, you are the jester that i could never be.

you always lend a hundred bucks or two even in times you are as broke as i am. maybe you are the generous brother i never had.

you say the things i don't want to hear especially if it's about (my) men and their thousand of reasons for hurting me. maybe you are my best male friend and enemy.

or maybe, you just happen to be the light between the crevices.

2005-08-06T01:05:00.000+08:00

si papa louie matapos tumakas mula sa overnight work

missing my papa kermit

2005-08-05T23:51:00.000+08:00

i am having a hard time writing this particular entry. but i am writing about it anyway. our editorial group would be oneless starting next week. more than the highly-anticipated additional workload for me, i am grieving for the fact that i will never see the seat right next to me the same again. god, how do you say farewell to a funny seatmate? unsay all the casual remarks he blurted out that brought us all laughing hard on the floor. how do you let go of a brilliant colleague who can edit copies accurately while finishing off a set of hangaroo questions? buy a whole new set of encyclopedia and a dictionary that contain meanings for new words like anthrax or jolography. how do you say paalam to a friend who looks more credible as your surrogate father? take out the kermit's version of "rainbow connection" from your mp3 collection.

i intend to ask him (in case he decides to join us in our general cleaning tomorrow) what really made him leave, but i guess i don't have to. i know exactly what he has to say.

"they are so tangengot kasi!"

papa louie, painom ka naman bago ka umalis nang tuluyan. he he.

2005-07-15T00:19:00.001+08:00

T-GANG tru da years, sigh

2005-07-15T00:19:00.000+08:00

T-GANG reunion

2005-07-15T00:18:00.000+08:00

T-GANG girls no more? he he. .

2005-07-15T00:17:00.001+08:00

sam's son

2005-07-15T00:17:00.000+08:00

the great sam

2005-07-15T00:15:00.000+08:00

myles and her daughter

2005-07-15T00:14:00.000+08:00

eden and da boypren

2005-07-15T00:13:00.000+08:00

daboy and his gift

t-gang reunion: an oasis of sort

2005-07-14T23:31:00.000+08:00

i was not surprised when myles blurted out something like "oh my gosh, ang ganda mo," upon my entry to seattle's best mega strip -- the venue of our reunion. after all, it was more than a decade since the last time i saw her and the rest of T-GANGers. a one-hour facial treatment in salon could do a little wonder. but ten years as we suspect could do a lot better changes. agree, T-GANGers? he he.

myles started it all. if it wasn't for her, our reunion last saturday would not push through. i should also say thanks to daboy. myles' email came from him. there wouldn't be any communication without that email addy.

sam revealed the most accurate description of myself way back in college. "eh dati mukha ka lang pax romana member!" yes, i was a member of that religious org but it was only bec of the org pin. he he. come to think of it, i didn't attend any of its activities. btw, i was happy to see that she's happily married with kasamang roy. but i was happier to see their son franz (tama bang spelling?). he turned out to be a handsome young boy. ganda ng kombinasyon, no!

daboy surprised me with his gift - - a baby girl who couldn't be mistaken for somebody else's daughter but his. naman, mata pa lang, daboy na.

meanwhile, violet arrived like a fresh breeze. kelan ba hindi ganun s'ya? at may anak na rin pala! tingnan mo nga naman, family affair pala ang reunion.

good thing that eden came without a son or daughter. at least, 'di ako na-OP. 'yun nga lang may bitbit na boyfriend. hay! buti na lang di nila masyado akong inasar.

though it was a quite short event, T-GANG reunion was a blast. hope to hear from them soon. and to give you an idea how it turned out, look at these photos:

poison

2005-07-12T15:17:00.000+08:00

bago mo pa ikamatay 'yang masamang pakiramdam mo, ilabas mo na lang muna dito sa blog.

'TANG iNA!

kung bakit naman kasi kinailangan mo pang umasa (na naman) sa ibang tao para sumaya. matagal ka nang mag-isa, di ba? sabi nga ng ex-bestfriend mo, since birth pa. 'di ka naman namamatay nang walang kasama. eh ano ngayon ang ikinasasama ng pakiramdam mo?

isipin mo na lang, you're still blessed. may malupet kang trabaho. at kahit na obvious na underpaid ka sa opisinang 'yan, ok lang sa'yo kasi sabi mo nga, in love ka sa work.

isipin mo rin na maswerte ka kasi kahit ilang beses ka nang nagago, may mga natitira pa ring totoong tao na handa kang tanggapin at mahalin. kahit na sa loob-loob nila, ikaw ang pinakabaliw na babae na nakilala nila.

ang hirap naman kasi sa iyo, masyado kang mabait. kahit na minsan, halata mo nang pini-play-time ka na, eto ka pa rin sa walang-kamatayang benefit of the doubt mo. siguro nga, masyado ka pa ring positive mag-isip. siguro nga kasi you would like to believe that all human beings are good by nature. gaya ng sinabi ng mga magulang mo.

oh well, 'di rin naman kita masisi. nature mo na talaga 'yan eh. it's either we accept it or not. kasi 'yan din naman ang rule mo pagdating sa pakikipag-ugnayan sa mga tao 'di ba? gusto mo rin na makilala mo sila nang tagos sa laman, nang lampas sa kaluluwa. so dapat ready ka rin sa ano mang karima-rimarim na matutuklasan mo sa pagkatao nila. dapat 'di ka na nasusuka by now. dapat 'di ka nagkakasakit dahil sa sobrang galit. dapat cool ka na lang. sabi mo nga you've seen and felt the worst. so ano ngayon ang ikinasasama ng loob mo?

kung ako sa 'yo, uuwi na lang ako nang maaga ulit. gaya kahapon. tapos, matutulog ako nang mahimbing. isipin mo na lang na 'kaw ang magsasara ng issue ngayon. at dapat by thursday, sarado na ang diyaro kasi 'di ba may company outing pa kayo sa sabado.

at pagpikit mo mamyang gabi, be resigned to this truth: love of the self is next to godliness.

kung sakali

2005-07-07T22:58:00.000+08:00

dati, kapag nararamdaman ko na ang hapdi sa balat dala ng pumasok na liwanag sa silid, naniniwala akong araw ang nakatunghay mula sa labas ng bintana.

dati, kahit na nakapikit pa o may piring sa mata, basta't natikman ko na ang nakangangawit sa panga na uri ng asim, alam kong sampalok ang nakasayad sa aking dila.

dati, malayo pa man ako sa nilulutong bagoong ni nanay, batid ko nang may naghihintay na sawsawan ang aking mangga.

pero nababawasan ng bisa ang mga pandama, dahil alin sa dalawa: lumabis o nagkulang ako sa paggamit sa kanila.

kaya naman naririto ang tangi kong mga kahilingan: ang pang-unawa mong tagos sa bawat hilatsa ng balat, ang paglalambing mong may tamis na lumalampas sa dulo ng dila, at ang paggunita mong sintapang ng alimuom - - na kahit umalis na'y may samyong lumilingon.

sakaling matupad (kung sakali lang naman) ang bawat isa, 'di ko na marahil hahanapin pa ang dating talas ng mga pandama.

2005-07-07T19:43:00.000+08:00

who's the man?

What a woman is looking for in a man

2005-07-07T19:30:00.000+08:00

In a brief conversation, a man asked a woman he was pursuing the question, "What kind of a man are you looking for?" She sat quietly for a moment before looking him in the eye and asking:"Do you really want to know?"Reluctantly, he said, "Yes."

She began to expound..."As a woman in this day and age, I am in a position to ask a man what he can do for me that I can't do for myself.""I pay my own bills.""I take care of my household without the help of any man--or woman for that matter.""I am in the position to ask, "What can you bring to the table?"

The man looked at her. Clearly he thought that she was referring to money.She quickly corrected his thought and stated, "I am not referring to money. I need something more.""I need a man who is striving for perfection in every aspect of life."He sat back in his chair, folded his arms, and asked her to explain.She said, "I am looking for someone who is striving for perfection spiritually because I don't need to be unequally yoked. Believers mixed with unbelievers is a recipe for disaster.""I need a man who is striving for perfection financially because I don't need a financial burden.""I am looking for someone who is sensitive enough to understand what I go through as a woman, but strong enough to keep me grounded.""I am looking for someone who I can respect. In order to be submissive, I must respect him. I have no problem being submissive--he just has to be worthy. God made woman to be a helpmate for man. I can't help a man if he can't help himself."

When she finished her spill, she looked at him. He sat there with a puzzled look on his face. He said, "You're asking a lot."She replied, "I'm worth a lot."

liar, liar

2005-06-30T22:57:00.000+08:00

wala akong matandaang pagkakataon na nagtiwala ako kay GMA. judgemental na kung judgemental pero ako 'yung tipo ng tao na naniniwala sa kutob, at mas madalas sa hindi na tama ang kutob ko. isa pa, aral yata ako kay nanay. sabi n'ya maaari mong hulaan ang intensyon sa iyo ng tao sa isang tingin lang sa hilatsa ng kanyang mukha. sa kaso ni GMA, wala akong naaalalang video clip, photo release o kahit na anong public appearance niya na nagmukha siyang sincere. at kahit na anong pagpipilit ko na bigyan siya ng pagkakataon, sabihin na nating out of humanitarian consideration, wala pa rin akong mapipiga mula sa sarili kong kinakain na yata ng cynicism.

tapos nagkaroon pa siya ng nakatatawang public apology noong tuesday. paano pa ako maniniwala? magso-sorry lang siya, namili pa ng aaminin. sino kayang walang-utak na adviser niya ang nagtulak sa kanya sa nakakahiyang sitwasyon? baka isa pa ring kagaya niya na nanlilimos ng kredibilidad.

siguro madali lang talaga akong madala. sabi ni GMA dati, hinding-hindi na siya tatakbo sa eleksyon. tapos ano?

paano pa ako maniniwala?

marami-rami na ring tao ang madali kong pinagtiwalaan dati para lang mauwi sa wala dahil sa sinadya at 'di nila sinadyang mga kadahilanan. oh well choice nila 'yon. at malamang may mga pagkakataon ding naging choice ko ang magpaloko. ibig sabihin, desisyon ko na ibigay ang labis na tiwala. 'yung tipong pikit-mata. kaya nga sabi sa isang cliche, walang manloloko kung walang nagpapaloko.

kung hindi na ba ako malilinlang kahit na kailan, hindi pa rin ako nakasisiguro. nagkalat pa rin sa paligid ang mga sinungaling: merong halata, merong magaling magpanggap, at merong nagdadalawang-isip kung manloloko ba o hindi. at siyempre maaaring dumating muli ang pagkakataon na todo-buhos na naman ang ibibigay kong tiwala sa tao o mga taong aking mapipili.

basta iisa lang ang natitiyak ko: minsan lang ako magtiwala.

at kahit na magtagal pa si GMA sa posisyon dahil nagkataong magulo pa ang estado at walang kuwenta ang napipisil ng batas na pumalit sa kanya, 'di na ako tutubuan ng tiwala sa kanya.

2005-06-24T05:25:00.000+08:00

1. angelina jolie

2005-06-24T05:24:00.000+08:00

2. winona ryder

2005-06-24T05:22:00.001+08:00

3. nicole kidman

2005-06-24T05:22:00.000+08:00

4. liv tyler

2005-06-24T05:19:00.000+08:00

5. natalie portman

2005-06-24T05:18:00.000+08:00

6. michelle pfeiffer

2005-06-24T05:16:00.000+08:00

7. salma hayek

2005-06-24T05:08:00.000+08:00

8. claire forlani

2005-06-24T05:06:00.000+08:00

9. monica belucci

2005-06-24T05:05:00.000+08:00

10. katie holmes

2005-06-24T05:03:00.000+08:00

11. charlize theron

2005-06-24T05:02:00.000+08:00

12. sharon stone

2005-06-24T05:01:00.000+08:00

13. drew barrymore

2005-06-24T05:00:00.000+08:00

14. jennifer lopez

2005-06-24T04:59:00.000+08:00

15. jennifer aniston

2005-06-24T04:56:00.000+08:00

16. mena suvari

2005-06-24T04:55:00.000+08:00

17. scarlett johansson

2005-06-24T04:53:00.000+08:00

18. rachel leigh cook

2005-06-24T04:52:00.000+08:00

19. kate hudson

2005-06-24T04:51:00.000+08:00

20. julia stiles

loveliness

2005-06-24T04:20:00.000+08:00

SHE WALKS IN BEAUTY
(Lord Byron)

She walks in beauty, like the night
Of cloudless climes and starry skies;
And all that's best of dark and bright
Meet in her aspect and her eyes:
Thus mellow'd to that tender light
Which heaven to gaudy day denies.

2005-06-17T01:29:00.000+08:00

paris

2005-06-17T01:01:00.000+08:00

tibet

2005-06-17T01:00:00.000+08:00

great barrier reef, australia

2005-06-17T00:59:00.000+08:00

niagara falls

2005-06-17T00:58:00.000+08:00

manhattan, new york

2005-06-17T00:54:00.000+08:00

new zealand

2005-06-17T00:53:00.001+08:00

monaco

2005-06-17T00:53:00.000+08:00

ibiza, spain

2005-06-17T00:52:00.000+08:00

venice, italy

2005-06-17T00:51:00.000+08:00

street cafe in buenos aires

2005-06-17T00:50:00.000+08:00

boracay

2005-06-17T00:47:00.000+08:00

batanes

2005-06-17T00:46:00.000+08:00

torres del paine, chile

whimsical

2005-06-16T22:48:00.000+08:00

my article on top honeymoon spots in the world didn't push through as per the management recomendation. that decision is fine with me. i don't care about the article anyway. this wedding issue really sucks. good thing though, that my initial researches brought me to numerous places which i have never imagined as breath-taking.

if i have to live alone for the rest of my life, i would definitely spend my fortune with exploring these places: torres del paine, chile; sabtang island, batanes; boracay, aklan; street cafe in buenos aires; venice, italy; ibiza, spain; monaco; new zealand; manhattan, new york; niagara falls; great barrier reef, australia, tibet and paris.

but if i have to spend my life with someone i love, that would certainly be a different story. just wait for my next blog entry, i guess.

2005-06-11T20:39:00.000+08:00

fading

2005-06-11T20:36:00.001+08:00

dark muse

2005-06-11T20:36:00.000+08:00

presence

fading

2005-06-11T20:29:00.000+08:00

i can't look at you the same way i did in my younger days. change is inevitable, right? but somehow, i would want to see the same authority you had once - - like when i could not move because you told me not to. with the color of a youthful skin, it went away.

would you remember how every word you said before mattered? would you still recall how you could actually turn into someone like god - - who managed to reign in a kingdom without really trying?

when i finally get myself convinced, you would see me with you in a hospital room. and i hope when that time comes, it would not be late for both of us.

dark muse

2005-06-11T20:25:00.000+08:00

it is still an enigma for me that what we had once is the most realistic and yet the most fancy chapter in my life. words overflow every time you try to resurface. just like rain, you never leave without a sense of going back again. you are distant and yet, you can be close as dampness to skin.

but i intend not to see you again. dark muse as you are to me, you should stay as elusive as a beautiful poem.

presence

2005-06-11T18:11:00.000+08:00

i see you just like how shadow takes its new shape from the presence of light. i refuse to make judgment as we are still guessing what’s with your world and what’s with mine. all I can rightfully say now is that i am happy that you have just made your presence clear enough to make room for some necessary ambiguities — and that i consider as something to look forward to every day.

2005-05-30T20:56:00.000+08:00

stillness

this so-called night (of mourning)

2005-05-30T20:34:00.000+08:00

Silence

Who was it that took away my voice?
The black wound he left in my throat
Can't even cry.

March is at work under the snow
And the birds of my throat are dead,
Their gardens turning into dictionaries.

I beg my lips to sing.
I beg the lips of the snowfall,
Of the cliff and the bush to sing.

Between my lips, the round shape
Of the air in my mouth.
Because I can say nothing.

I'll try anything
For the trees in the snow.
I breathe. I swing my arms. I lie.

From this sudden silence,
Like death, that loved
The names of all words,
You raise me now in song.

-Bella Akhmadulina

2005-05-27T23:51:00.000+08:00

siesta at the bar

2005-05-27T23:47:00.000+08:00

oblivious

2005-05-27T22:50:00.000+08:00

flirting with the sun

2005-05-27T22:40:00.000+08:00

under the sun

the real getaway

2005-05-27T21:45:00.000+08:00

ni hindi ko pa man lang nasisilip ang title ng cover story namin for may 23 issue, umalis na ako ng opisina para makipagkita kina ana, mark, ogie, bj at jenny para sa isang galera getaway. minsan ko lang naman gagawin ang ganitong uri ng pagtakas, bakit pa nga ba ako magpapapigil sa pangungunsiyensya ng mga co-editors, kawalan ng magagamit na swimsuit, at kakulangan sa wawaldasing budget? kaya nga tinawag na getaway eh - - kailangan mong umalis nang walang lingon-likod. ang tanging mahalaga para sa 'yo ay ang bukas at ang mga susunod na araw. ang tanging bibigyan ng atensyon ay ang mga nakatakdang mangyari at ang mga hahayaang mangyari.

nakakatawa nga lang balikan na bago pa kami makapunta sa 'white beach,' napadpad pa muna kami sa sabang - - isang walang kalatuy-latoy na diver's resort. ano nga naman ang gagawin namin d'un? bukod sa dagat, obvious ba na naghahanap kami ng happening at night scene?mabuti na lang, mabilis kaming nakaalis at nakalipat sa 'white beach'.

hahayaan ko na lang na ang mga litrato namin ang magkuwento kung ano talaga ang nangyari sa amin sa galera sa loob ng tatlong araw at dalawang gabi. bagaman ililihim ko pa rin ang ilang higit na nakatutuwang eksena, madali pa ring mauunawaan ng kahit sinong makatutunghay sa mga litrato ang tunay na kahulugan ng getaway. now, why don't you try reading between the light and shade?

2005-05-13T23:40:00.000+08:00

a great view from our office window

2005-05-13T23:39:00.000+08:00

ging

2005-05-13T23:38:00.000+08:00

mina

2005-05-13T23:13:00.000+08:00

aaron

2005-05-13T23:09:00.000+08:00

lyn

2005-05-13T23:08:00.000+08:00

louie

2005-05-13T23:05:00.000+08:00

janice

2005-05-13T23:04:00.001+08:00

hanna

2005-05-13T23:04:00.000+08:00

elmsky

2005-05-13T23:00:00.000+08:00

ms. J

2005-05-13T22:59:00.000+08:00

milca

2005-05-13T22:57:00.000+08:00

katie barbie

personalities i work with

2005-05-13T21:43:00.000+08:00

would just like to share with all of you my first attempt at photography. glad that my co-workers agreed to be my guinea pigs. here they are...

2005-05-06T18:12:00.000+08:00

a friday face

a friday song

2005-05-06T16:41:00.000+08:00

Sometimes it Happens

And sometimes it happens that you are friends and then
You are not friends,
And friendship has passed.
And whole days are lost and among them
A fountain empties itself.

And sometimes it happens that you are loved and then
You are not loved,
And love is past.
And whole days are lost and among them
A fountain empties itself into the grass.

And sometimes you want to speak to her and then
You do not want to speak,
Then the opportunity has passed.
Your dreams flare up, they suddenly vanish.

And also it happens that there is nowhere to go and then
There is somewhere to go,
Then you have bypassed.
And the years flare up and are gone,
Quicker than a minute.

So you have nothing.
You wonder if these things matter and then
As soon you begin to wonder if these things matter
They cease to matter,
And caring is past.
And a fountain empties itself into the grass.

- Brian Patten

2005-04-28T21:13:00.000+08:00

woman with a crow (1904) by picasso

katiyakan

2005-04-28T18:02:00.000+08:00

kapag ganitong mas pinagagana ko ang utak lalo kong nararamdaman ang pagiging malayo sa mga bagay na dati'y abot-kamay lang.

kailan na nga ba 'yung kahuli-hulihang pagkakataon ng katiyakan kung saan kasinlapit ng balat sa balat ang ibig tahakin at maunawaan ng aking mga pandama? akala ko matagal nang humulagpos iyon mula sa aking gunita hanggang sa dumating ang kanina.

sa loob ng ilang minuto kinulob ako ng panlalamig na sa tantya ko tagos hanggang kaluluwa. maaari nga pala ang gayon. mula sa matingkad na realidad ng opisina, muli akong tinangay pabalik sa madilim na kuweba -- kung saan higit na mababa ang tinig ng alingawngaw, higit na malawak ang kayang liparin ng mga paniki, at kasingkapal ng lumot ang naipong alaala ng pinakahuling balita.

biglang-bigla para akong ermitanyo na natakot makakita ng sikat ng araw. ganitong-ganito nga ang pakiramdam kapag walang pasintabi kang nilamon muli ng dilim. ang bawat nakakapang tekstura, mula sa gaspang ng bato, hanggang sa lambot ng lupa ay nagsisilbing tagapagpaalala na nasa tiyak na mundo ka.

anong kabalintunaan itong basta na lang bumalot sa aking kamalayan? habang nakadagang maigi ang kaniyang itim na anino sa aking likuran, para akong pigtal na balahibo ng uwak -- ubod nang gaan at lumulutang.

ephemeral

2005-04-22T12:33:00.000+08:00

why do things that i love the most should be as transient as most of the men i met in this life?

after three months of working my ass off to start and maintain this so-called likeable job, do i really deserve a new workplace? my bestfriend told me last night that i need not worry about a career shift any time soon since she knows me as someone who thrives well in any endeavor. i would like to be as positive as pope benedict xvi, now that he has just started leading the 1.1 billion catholics in the world, but i am no pope. i am just a 28-year-old woman who figures out when to start and end a diet regimen, when to get drunk and be sober, and when to hold on to and let go of a dream.

a fortune teller in quiapo told me two months ago that a good man would soon find me. if i have to believe in her claim, does it mean that i have to start dreaming again? will someone tell me how should i start dreaming again when i have just savored the tangy aftertaste of reality? god, i am about to lose "the job",

or so i thought.

usaping sikmura ito

2005-04-13T16:30:00.000+08:00

tatlong araw na akong hindi makakain nang maayos. skyflakes at cereal drink lang ang kayang tanggapin ng tiyan ko. kanina nga sinubukan kong kumain ng palabok, pero mga tatlong subo lang, inayawan ko na. kala ko nasa mantika ng palabok ang problema.

hindi pala.

hindi ko lang talaga masikmura 'yung boses na narinig ko sa telepono 'nung linggo. kapag naalala ko kung pa'no niya sinabi ang pangalan ko, gusto kong sumuka. naisip ko tuloy, kung boses nga lang niya nakakasuka na, pa'no pa kaya pag nagpakita s'ya?

isang 'nagmamalasakit' na kaibigan ang nakiusap sa akin na pakinggan ko ang hindi ko masikmurang boses. oh well, sinong magpapagamot sa akin kapag nade-hydrate ako?

kung nakaya niyang mawala sa loob ng isang taon nang hindi ako kinukumusta kung kumakain pa ba ako, ano ba namang mawala siya ng isang taon pa, at paulit-ulit hanggang sa mamalayan namin pareho na isang lifetime na pala kaming hindi nagkikita?

at kung may natitira pa siyang konting respeto sa small at large intestines ko, kakayurin niya ang makapal niyang mukha para hindi na niya ulit tangkain pang lapitan o kausapin man lang ako sa telepono.

higit sa lahat, kung kasintalino nga siya gaya ng pinaniniwalaan niya at ng pinaniwalaan ko dati, madali lang naman intindihin ang gusto kong mangyari: i want my appetite back.

snippets of faith

2005-03-29T09:53:00.002+08:00

-- a soulmate holds on to an airport scene -- a well-sworn commitment amid full-packed luggages and empty seats. after that, he would accept the idea that not all leave takings should end with a sigh.

-- a colleague wishes to be transported to a country that is more illusory than her realistic upbringing can accept. forget about bills to be paid, an ego-boosting job, tenderness of children, and a tie that has started to loosen up. what really matters to her really is to fly.

-- a writer-friend ardently thinks that an M.A. diploma is his sure ticket away from a call center.

-- a co-blogger believes that her present object of affection is good inside and out.

-- a girlfriend passionately believes that her lover can find a way not to tell a lie and eventually makes her happy.

-- a chatmate aims to finish a short story about her summer trip that will bring her to a national workshop.

-- a drinking buddy who turns out to be the late nick joaquin's protege keeps his illustrated novels untouched hoping that they will merit future publication.

-- a co-writer is anxious to change his looks with an idea that he can find a man with a brilliant mind like him.

-- a co-worker tires herself to death with an aim that she can bear the distance between her and her lover.

-- a best friend advocates narcissism while keeping the memory of a recurring dream about self-less love.

I would like to add up to the list i have just made, something which talks about me. But as I stare at the monitor and tinker with the keyboard, all i could make out was:

the quick brown fox jump over the lazy dog the quick brown fox jump over the lazy dog the quick brown fox jump over the lazy dog the quick brown fox jump over the lazy dog the quick brown fox jump over the lazy dog the quick brown fox jump over the lazy dog the quick brown fox jump over the lazy dog the quick brown fox jump over the lazy dog the quick brown fox jump over the lazy dog the quick brown fox jump over the lazy dog the quick brown fox jump over the lazy dog the quick brown fox jump over the lazy dog the quick brown fox jump over the lazy dog the quick brown fox jump over the lazy dog the quick brown fox jump over the lazy dog the quick brown fox jump over the lazy dog the quick brown fox jump over the lazy dog the quick brown fox jump over the lazy dog

a way of going

2005-03-28T10:53:00.000+08:00

PAGHUPA
Ngayong parang binabagyo pa rin ang iyong budhi
gayong kanina pa tumila ang biglang-buhos na sandali,
hayaan mong ako ang magbukas ng bintana at magpatunay
na nasaid na ang kanina lamang ay umaaapaw.
Ano'ng paliwanag pa ang iyong hinihingi
gayong kasimpayak ng paghahating-gabi
ang pangangailangang sumilong at silungan;
ang mga basang sisiw at ang pinakamalapit na bubungan?
May dapat ka pa bang ipaglimi
gayong kani-kaniyang bisig ang kapwa natin pinili
sa halip na ang dati at ang nakasanayang
kumot, pangginaw at balabal?

Sa pagsilip ng araw, magkakaniya-kaniya rin tayo ng uwi,
matutulog at pag naglaon ay maisasantabi
ang gunita na minsan, kapwa tayo nagpaulan,
na minsan kapwa tayo,
na minsan

-25th December 2004

andrea and ging liked this poem. i would like to feel the same way about this piece but it would just be a premature recognition on my part. will just let time and other readers decide for me.